Let's Talk About Sex (Various X Reader)

So, this is a part of my little "Bonding Time" series. If you haven't read it, it's basically Hanji forcing everyone together and making them bond in the oddest of ways. Now, this is my 69th fanfiction. And you know what that means!

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"So Hanji, what do you have for us tonight?" You asked the brunette once everyone was settled. For the past few days, Hanji had gathered you all together to do something she called "Bonding Time". The first night was Truth Or Dare, the second night you all got drunk, and the third night... Lets just say it was chaotic.

"Maybe Santa will show up again." Jean said with a smirk.

"KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, KIRSTEIN!" Levi said from the other side of the room, standing up. Jean held up his hands defensively.

"No, nothing like that. Today, we'll be covering a topic that is on all of your minds a lot of the time. Probably mostly Jean-"

"Hey!"

"-But, we're going to have a serious talk about it. Then we'll just makes jokes and make fun of it and see who gets uncomfortable first!" Hanji finisheed.

Everyone was silent for a moment, giving Hanji confused looks. "What's the topic?" Armin finally spoke up.

Hanji grinned mischievously. "Guys... Let's talk about sex."

"NO!"

"WHAT?"

"HANJI, THAT'S INHUMAN!"

"It's not inhuman, Eren."

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO US!"

"OH, GOD!"

"ESPECIALLY WHEN THOSE OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER ARE IN THE ROOM!"

At that sentence from Jean, the girls all moved to one side of the room as the boys scooted to the other in unison. Hanji rolled her eyes. "Don't act like it's not on your mind all the time, I know the sexual jokes you make, I made them when I was your age." Hanji said. "So did Levi! Right?" She asked, turning to the male.

Levi crossed his arms tighter. "Tch."

"That means yes!" She said with an excited squeal.

"Hanji, don't you think that this subject is a little inappropriate for them?" Erwin asked the woman.

She waved her hand dismissively. "Of course not!" She said. "Alright, so, this action happens when a man and woman love each other very much..." And from there it started. Not to mention she described it in full detail. Very descriptive detail. Horrifyingly descriptive detail. Everyone in the room was staring at Hanji with wide, terror-filled eyes as she used a great amount of vocabulary. You looked around the room for everyone's reactions.

For the boy's side. Eren was leaning against Armin with wide eyes and an agape mouth with his cheeks tinting pink. Poor Armin looked horrified with a large blush over his cheeks. He resembled an apple or a tomato. Jean on the other hand looked like he was almost enjoying it. Erwin looked like he was trying so hard not to get up and leave. Reiner looked a little confused as well as ashamed. Connie looked extremely confused, like he had no idea what was going on. Bertholdt was sweating like crazy, the poor kid. Levi looked a little bothered by the conversation and crossed his legs about halfway when it started getting in depth.

For the girls side. Mikasa looked a little bored, but she kept nervously glancing at Eren. Sasha was clutching a potato in her hand like it was her last grasp at life, as her eyes darted around. Ymir looked a little disgusted. And poor Christa looked like she would never sleep again. You? God, you were a mess. You were desperately clutching onto Sasha's arm, staring with wide eyes at Hanji as she went deeper into description.

"... But for the most part, it's filled with pleasure." She finished with a grin. "So? What do you guys think?" She asked in a hopeful tone.

"Please kill me." Armin whispered, desperately grasping on Eren's shirt.

"Oh, it wasn't that bad." Hanji said, rolling her eyes.

"Not that bad? I'll never sleep again!" Christa whined.

"Levi, what's up with you?" You asked, looking at the man. He had his legs draped over one another very tightly and his arms crossed over his chest.

"Nothing!" He hissed, crossing his legs tighter as he seemed to curl into a ball of shame. Hanji started laughing hysterically. "Shut up Shitty Glasses!" He hissed. Erwin began laughing as well as everyone gave them questioning looks.

"What is it?" Jean asked.

"All of my sex talk gave Levi a bon-" Hanji started.

"NO! NOTHING IS WRONG, nothing happened..." He said, sending Hanji a glare that would kill if it could.

Suddenly all the boys erupted into fits of laughter, some falling on their sides and gasping for breath. It took a moment before all the girls understood and began laughing just as hard. Your head hit the hard floor as tears formed in your eyes from the laughter. You gasped for air and clutched your stomach.

"Okay, okay, all of you got your share of laughter!" Levi shouted over the noise. The laughing died down to stifled chuckled and murmurs of conversation. Levi let out a huff of breath and sank into his seat, uncrossing his legs.

"Alright, now we're going to, ahem, talk dirty, and see who can handle it." Hanji said with a mischievous grin. "While we're on the topic of Levi's dick-"

"I got a good one!" Jean said, standing up and clasping his hands together. "Levi, tell me, you are Humanities Strongest Solider, correct?" Levi opened his mouth to reply, but Jean didn't wait for a response. "So, this means you must have Humanities Strongest Dick. But, you're also very, very short. So this can also mean that you have Humanities Shortest-"

"Commander, do I have permission to brutally murder this boy?" Levi said casually, turning the the blonde man. Erwin shook his head. "Can I at least strangle him to death?" Another shake of the head. "Can I at least punch him?" Erwin shrugged.

Levi stood up and swiftly slammed his fist on Jean's jaw. The boy cried out in pain and fell to the floor. Levi let out a huff of breath before running his fingers through his hair. "And for your information, it would be strongest not shortest." He mumbled with a smirk.

"BUUUUUUUUUUUURN!" Connie screeched loudly.

"Sh-Shut up." Jean croaked out.

"Okay, while on the topic of dicks, I'd like to ask a question." Ymir said, standing up and clearing her throat. "Eren, everyone is asking this in their heads, mostly Mikasa, so I'll just say it out loud. Since you're a titan, do you have a dick as large as a titans?"

"Titans don't have... that." Armin said hesitantly from the corner of the room.

"Yeah, but if they did have one I meant." Ymir said, rolling her eyes.

Eren's face turned bright red, and Ymir smirked. "You see, the problem here is that Eren doesn't want to say that it's that big. But if he does say that, everyone will think that it's short." She said.

"It's not that short." Levi said casually.

Everyone stared at him with wide eyes. "How do you know that?" You asked softly.

Levi gave you a confused look. "What?"

"You just said that... Eren wasn't that short..." You said, feeling your face heat up in a blush.

Levi crossed his arms tighter against his chest. "I didn't mean to say that out loud..." He muttered.

"Same for Heichou, it's definitely not short- Fucking shit I'm saying that out loud." Eren said, slapping his palm to his forehead.

"Okay, I honestly do not want to hear about Levi and Eren's gay relationship, I've already spoiled a little bit of my appetite. I've eaten two potatoes instead of five." Sasha said matter-of-factly.

"Eren and Levi are in a gay relationship?" Mikasa asked, her eyes wide.

"Does that mean Eren is a masochist?" Reiner mumbled.

"Probably." Bertholdt murmured.

"Well Eren, why didn't you tell me, I would've given you all you desired-" Mikasa started.

"I'M NOT GAY WITH HEICHOU!" Eren protested, a little too loudly. He groaned and pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his red face in his arms. Levi mumbled a long string of curses before staring down at the floor.

"Okay... That was awkward..." Hanji muttered. "How about some pick-up lines AND NOT FROM YOU JEAN!" Hanji said, seeing Jean's posture straighten at the words. "Anyone want to try one?" She asked.

"I got one." Levi said. He looked around the room until his eyes landed on you. A small smirk adorned his lips. "Your clothes are dirty, (f/n). Take them off." Your face seemed to burst into flames as all the boys cheered and the girls squealed in delight.

"Oh, oh, I got one!" Connie said, raising his hand. He looked at Sasha and winked. "Hey baby, are you a potato? Because I want to eat you out." Sasha threw her the remainder of her bread at Connie and buried her face in he hands as she let out an inhuman squeal.

"I got one too!" Eren said with a smirk. He looked at Mikasa and smiled. "I've got the key, so how about you let me into your basement?" Mikasa's face turned bright red and she hid behind her equally red scarf as all the boys cheered and patted Eren on the back.

"Mikasa es su casa if you know what I mean." Mikasa mumbled once it was quiet enough. Everyone gave her a confused look before bursting out into laughter.

"Hey wait, I've got two more." Levi said, straightening in his seat as he regained some confidence. He looked towards you again, obviously noting that you were his flirting victim. "Did you just clean your pants? Because I can see myself in them."

"LEVI!"

"HEICHOU!"

"OH MY GOD."

"I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS SIDE OF HIM!"

Levi smirked and locked his steely grey eyes with yours. "You'll be as wet as my washcloth by the time I'm finished with you." He said as he leaned back in his chair. He earned a round of applause and wolf whistles as you groaned and felt your face heat up with a blush.

"Hey Christa, you wanna see my fifteen meter class titan?" Jean asked.

"How about after I go run some Erens you come to Mikasa so you can put your Armin my Jeans?" Connie asked.

"You're more smoking than a titan." Reiner said, winking at the blonde girl.

"I wanna break your Wall Maria." Armin said suddenly. Everyone gave him a surprised look as his eyes widened. "IT SLIPPED OUT!" He hurriedly explained.

"Oh, so you were thinking it?" You asked the boy.

"N-No!" He stuttered.

"Wall Maria isn't the only think I'm wrecking tonight." Jean said with a wink to Mikasa. She rolled her eyes and covered her nose with her scarf.

"Girl, you can call me the Armored Titan because I want to break down your walls." Reiner said.

"The only Colossal Titan there is, is the one in my pants." Bertholdt muttered. Reiner laughed and playfully shoved him.

"Let me be the Wall Sina to your Wall Maria. Deep inside you." Connie said.

"I'm sorry but are you a Drill Sergeant? Because you're making my privates stand to attention." Eren said with a wink.

"Alright! That's enough with the pick-up lines!" Hanji said. She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "I think this is enough for tonight." She said, standing up and smoothing out her clothing.

"Awww but Hanji, we were having so much fun!" You protested.

"What happened to you guys never being able to sleep again, and being scarred for life?" She asked with a broad grin. You stuttered for an answer. "Alright, you guys can stay here if you want, but I'm going to bed. Just don't have sex while I'm gone." She said, walking out the door.

Jean smiled mischievously. "Best pick-up line wins bragging rights!" He said.

This was going to be a long night.